Post 40 A Yorkshire Obituary

Farmer George Braithwaite and his wife Gladys had been happily married for 50 years when, quite suddenly, Gladys died. George was heartbroken, but being a practical man, he went to the funeral directors to make the appropriate arrangements, then visited the offices of The Yorkshire Post regarding an obituary.

When informed of the cost, George spluttered and in true Yorkshire fashion asked, ‘How much?!!’

  ‘I want summat simple’ he explained, reluctantly producing his wallet. ‘My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass, but she wunt ’ave wanted ’owt swanky.’

‘Perhaps a small poem’, suggested the woman behind the desk.

‘Nay,’ George replied, ‘she wunt ’ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put;  Gladys Braithwaite died.’

‘But you need to say the date on which she died,’ the secretary said.

‘Do I?  Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do nicely.’

‘It’s usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.’
George considered for a moment. ‘Well put, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do,’ he said.

‘You can have another four words,’ he was told.

‘No, no,’ George cried, ‘she never would ’ave wanted me to splash out; she wasn’t that sort of woman.’

 ‘The words are included in the price,’ the woman informed him.

 ‘Oh, are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?’

 ‘Yes, indeed.’

 ‘Well, if I've paid for 'em, I'm 'avin ’em.’

 The   obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for Sale.

Thought for the day

As invariably happens after one has passed forty, the paper sagged open at the obituary page.                                                                              S. J. Perelman 1904 - 1979


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