Post 41 French piles

66 AFrench Piles

‘Frank, my piles are killing me. I need something to give me some relief. It was so stupid of me not to bring my ointment. I can’t think how I forgot. Would you drive into that town we came through on the way here and see if you can pick something up at a chemist?’ 

‘I’m not sure my French is up to that but I’ll give it a try.’

‘The chemist is almost certain to speak English, most of them do over here, don’t they? But just in case, take that French phrase book with you and perhaps a paper and pencil as well.’

‘You’re surely not suggesting I draw a picture of your piles?’

‘Well yes I am, but only if there’s no other way you can get him to understand. But before you got to that stage, you could ask if he has an English to French dictionary.                                           


Frank:    ‘ Bonjour.’

Pharmacist:     ‘Bonjour Monsieur, comment puis-je vous aider?’

Frank:    ‘Ma femme, elle a les piles.’


Post 40 A Yorkshire Obituary

Farmer George Braithwaite and his wife Gladys had been happily married for 50 years when, quite suddenly, Gladys died. George was heartbroken, but being a practical man, he went to the funeral directors to make the appropriate arrangements, then visited the offices of The Yorkshire Post regarding an obituary.
When informed of the cost, George spluttered and in true Yorkshire fashion asked, ‘How much?!!’
  ‘I want summat simple’ he explained, reluctantly producing his wallet. ‘My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass, but she wunt ’ave wanted ’owt swanky.’
‘Perhaps a small poem’, suggested the woman behind the desk.
‘Nay,’ George replied, ‘she wunt ’ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put;  Gladys Braithwaite died.’
‘But you need to say the date on which she died,’ the secretary said.
‘Do I?  Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do nicely.’
‘It’s usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.’
George considered for a moment. ‘Well put,…

Post 39 Embarrassing Medical Moments

Ellie Leyland was young and pretty. She was also an enthusiastic and conscientious doctor undertaking her first medical job in the days when newly qualified medics were required to be resident in the hospital.
The first cardiac arrest to which she was called occurred at three o’clock one morning and, knowing how important it was to reach the patient and to commence resuscitation as soon as humanly possible, it took her less than sixty seconds to rush from her bed in the residency to the scene of the patient’s collapse on the ward. Kneeling on the floor beside the lifeless male patient, she commenced resuscitation in textbook fashion, administering external cardiac massage with gusto.
Unfortunately, whilst engrossed in this lifesaving work, she overlooked the fact that, when rushing from her bed to the ward, she had simply thrown her white coat over her skimpy diaphanous silk nightie and dashed barefoot to the ward.She was completely unaware just how revealing the view was from the fro…

Post 38 An unwelcome revelation

Annie Arnell had known that she was pregnant for at least three months before she plucked up courage to attend the Antenatal Clinic. She knew she should have gone sooner but had a morbid fear of hospitals. She'd had her appendix out as a child and now, even the smell of antiseptic was enough to induce a panic attack.As a result she'd suffered her troublesome early morning nausea and sickness in silence.   She hadn't even consulted her own doctor despite her husband’s entreaties.

Sue, the midwife welcomed her new patient to the Clinic, introduced herself and then, and after initial pleasantries, got down to the business of assessing Annie’s condition. She discovered that, by dates, Annie was already 20 weeks pregnant. Sue gently chided her for not coming sooner.
However there was nothing in the history or examination to suggest anything was amiss and in due course an ultrasound scan was performed.    This suggested that Annie’s baby was a girl but also that she was at least …

Post 37 Inexperience leads to embarrassment!

The patient was a lad of about 19 years who was clearly drunk.He was quite unable to give an account of himself but his mates said that he had fallen down some steps on his way home from one of the nightclubs in the city centre.

Inexperienced as I was, it was obvious from the gross deformity of his ankle that his ankle was broken and from my medical training I knew that an x-ray would be required to determine the nature and extent of his injury.I also knew that the radiographer ‘on call’ would be tucked up in her bed somewhere in the nurse’s home. Nurses and female radiographers were locked up at night at a safe distance from the doctor’s residency!

Confident that I was following the correct procedure I rang her and apologised politely for disturbing her. I then explained about the lad with the ankle injury and invited her (with an appropriate ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ as becomes a lowly resident) to confirm my diagnosis. I remember one of the senior physicians advising that you shoul…